The Struggle with Forgiveness

As Christians, we are taught to forgive. In fact we are told from our early childhood to “forgive and forget,” and I believe for most of us, we truly desire that. But what does forgiveness look like? How do we forgive things that to us feel unforgivable? These are questions I’ve asked, and God has patiently been answering them (over and over again) as I study His word.

The past couple of years have brought great pain and betrayal into my life, and have been painstaking tutors of forgiveness. I’ve learned that in my human nature, it is easier for me to forgive when I see a contrite, humble attitude of repentance, rather than one of anger and blame; but in contrast, I’ve also learned that forgiveness must be freely given, not earned. I’ve learned that forgetting is not necessarily a prerequisite to forgiveness, and that there can be merit in remembering. I’ve learned that forgiveness brings freedom and bitterness brings bondage. I’ve learned that pride is an inhibitor of forgiveness and humility fosters it. I’ve learned these things and more, yet, still I struggle. I’m also learning to give myself grace as I push onward in obedience, to love myself and others, to trust God on those days when I would have preferred to write my own story.

I’m thankful to God for His forgiveness and ask Him daily to make me more like Him. I don’t deserve it, but He continues to graciously meet me where I am, convicting me, shaping me and encouraging me all the way, never giving up on me. I have so far to go in truly understanding and implementing what I’m learning, but I know my Father will continue to be the lifter of my chin, drawing my eyes away from my circumstances to His good providence in them. This perspective tills the ground of bitterness, leaving in its place softer ground where thanksgiving can take root and grow.

I imagine that there are others who may be working through situations in which they desire to forgive, yet are struggling to forget. Our memories often trigger emotions, bringing up pain, anger, guilt, pride, or other feelings that may be attached to the circumstance you are struggling with. I feel compelled to share some of what I’ve learned because it has freed me from some common misconceptions of what forgiveness is, giving me a clearer vision of the purpose of true forgiveness, thus enabling me to move forward along that path.

What Forgiveness Isn’t

Understanding what forgiveness isn’t is a helpful place to start. Forgiveness isn’t forgetting.  Although there are many references to God forgetting our sin, there are none commanding that of us. God has no need to remember our sin; He remembers our sins no more (Heb. 8:12). If we are in Christ, He has paid the penalty for our sin and thus God removes any record of it as far as the East is from the West (Ps. 103:12). 

If God forgets, shouldn’t we? And if we should, why does it seem so impossible? I believe there’s a reason for that; we’re not meant to. While Scripture teaches that we must forgive others (Matt. 6:14) and we must forgive ourselves (Phil 4:13), the retention of events in our memory allows us to learn from our own mistakes as well as the mistakes of others. How often have I wished to just forget! Forgetting would make forgiving so much easier! However, God not only uses these lessons for our own sanctification, but also as a light to others who may be struggling in similar areas that we have already worked through by God’s grace. I am thankful that I’ve witnessed God redeeming my own struggles in this way, giving value to the pain.

Remembering doesn’t mean wallowing in self pity over the things done to us nor drowning in the guilt of wrongs we have done to others; it means our perspective of those memories must change. This change in perspective must come from surrendering our will to God’s, understanding that He is working all of this for our good and the good of His kingdom (Romans 8:28). If we merely chose to forget, we would miss out on the joy of God’s redemptive mercy and grace in these things. Looking at my own grief through this lens is helping me to give God thanks for what He is doing instead of feeling bitter about what was done to me.

What Forgiveness Is

Forgiveness is canceling a debt that most likely could not be repaid anyway. When our feelings have been hurt or a trust is betrayed, there is no retribution that can fix our hearts. Releasing the offender of the obligation of that debt not only frees them to pursue the freedom from guilt, but it also releases you from the bondage of the weight of bitterness. I’ve learned that bitterness is a heavy weight that only gets heavier with time. If not released, that weight will become so great a burden that you can lose sight of everything else in front of you.

Forgiveness is both a decision and a process. The decision to forgive is the first step of obedience. You can choose to offer a sacrifice of bitterness for peace, or you can choose to lose that peace by holding on to the bitterness. The choice is ours. Some offenses cut deep and take time to heal. While we are commanded to forgive as Christ has forgiven us, we must understand that in some cases, it may be a process that requires daily surrender of that pain and bitterness on the altar of forgiveness. I’m learning that by daily coming to God, confessing my anger, asking for comfort in my pain, and extending a heart of forgiveness in prayer, the healing begins. It may take days, weeks, months, or even years, but the heart of forgiveness is what God is looking for.

What does this process look like? As I said before, it begins with the decision to forgive, but then comes the transformation of the heart and mind. The heart and mind are so closely tied together that it’s hard to separate them. We are told in Romans 12:2 to renew our minds; as thoughts of past hurts enter my mind and I begin to focus on the offense, I try take those thoughts captive, refocusing instead on what Christ did for me on the cross and how He is using even the offense itself for my good. For some, maybe you haven’t seen the good yet, but we know God is a good Father and He is faithful to His word, so we know He WILL bring goodness, and we rest in that promise. 

A Perspective of Forgiveness

Satan loves nothing more than to distract us with the hurtful thoughts, drawing our eyes away from what God is doing and onto our hurt. A friend of mine once prayed that God would help us see “truth over the facts.” We instinctively see circumstances according to how they affect us, but if we keep our eyes on the truth of what God is doing, we will be less likely to be distracted by the facts that seek to pull us down (Matt.14:22-23, Peter walking on the water).  

When I see the truth over the facts, I am able to trust that God has the situation under control; He has allowed this situation into my life for a purpose. I may not like it at the time, but I will trust that God has my best interest at heart. I will acknowledge that He has allowed it. I will obey the command to forgive as He has forgiven. I will look for ways He is using the situation for my good. And I will give thanks for all He is doing and is going to do.

I’ve learned I must see my own sin correctly. God looks at sin from the view of Heaven. When He looks down on our sin, He just sees sin. However, we tend to see sin on a graph based on its impact to us. Yes, though the consequences may vary in impact to ourselves and others, from God’s perspective, every sin, great or small, required the blood of His Son as payment. When I cannot (or will not) forgive a fellow believer, or myself for that matter, it’s as if I’m saying that Christ’s blood was not enough. How audacious is that? If it’s good enough for God, it is good enough! We are also given the example of the evil servant who was forgiven a great debt, and yet, he would not forgive a fellow servant of a lesser debt. To be so blind as to not see the great debt we owe and have been forgiven, while being unforgiving of another, is an unspeakable evil. I pray that God will give me clearer vision of my own condition, so that I will not look unforgivingly on others. 

When we walk in His ways, we experience the blessing of His presence and His peace. I was reading in Luke 7:36-50, the story of Simon the Pharisee and a woman of the city. Simon looked down on her because of her lifestyle. Jesus, knowing this, told him a parable of a man who owed a large debt which was forgiven and a man who owed a small debt which was also forgiven. He asked which of the two loved the master more. Simon replied correctly, “The one, I suppose,  for whom he canceled the larger debt.” Jesus went on to explain how the woman loved Jesus more than Simon did because she was aware of her great debt. Verse 47 strikes at my heart, “Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven – for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” Then He tells her, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”

This woman found peace because she saw her sin and was humbled before God. When we are unwilling to forgive, we fall prey to the bondage of bitterness, keeping us from experiencing the peace of God. Beth Moore said this in her book, Jesus, 90 Days with the One and Only, “God can change our negative thought processes, attitudes, and motives. The process takes time and cooperation, however, because these thought patterns are just as much a habitual sin as the transgressions of the woman of ill repute.” What a sobering comparison! To truly be able to forgive others, all sin must be seen as equally vile and deserving of death, the penalty which was paid at the cost of our Savior. Only then can we truly go in peace with a thankful heart.

One last thing I’m learning is that we must forgive ourselves as well as others. God has said, “If we confess our sin, He is FAITHFUL and JUST to FORGIVE us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). Peace is extended to us freely. It is a gift. It is a fruit of the Spirit of God who lives within us. Once the chains of bitterness and guilt are broken, and we have a clearer perspective of the debt that has been forgiven and the lavish way in which He loves us despite our own brokenness, we are free to go in peace with that love spilling out to others, empowered to forgive as we’ve been forgiven. He loves us so much that He died for us. He wants us to walk with Him in the peace and unity of forgiveness, guilt free.

I confess that sometimes I struggle to give myself grace. The weight of “letting God down” often feels heavy to me. I so desperately want to please Him in all I do, yet I continue to struggle to totally surrender my hurts, my trials, and my plans for my life to God, faithfully holding on to the truth of Romans 8:28 and all He is teaching me.  I’ve experienced some victories and some failure, but I continue to press onward towards obedience and freedom.

Father, fill my heart with love that I can love others as You have loved me. Help me to forgive as You have forgiven me. Open my eyes to see sin as You do. Forgive me for the pride that causes me to put myself above others and to see their sin as greater than my own. Lord, You have said that those who are forgiven most love most. Show me the great depravity of my own soul that I will love You more. Amen